Disclaimer: All items posted here are strictly satirical in nature. Sometimes it's to be funny and other times it's to prove a point.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Jeweler, singer, actor Santo Gold to become known as 'Santo Gild', Judge rules against Santo Gold and for singer Santogold in trademark dispute


Santi White, a.k.a. Santogold
By C.F. Twob
Ponderings from Pluto publisher

Infamous infomercial star and aspiring filmmaker Santo "Santo Gold" Rigatuso filed a lawsuit against female musician Santogold in hopes of legally forcing her to use a name that says he has trademarked.

Unfortunately for Rigatuso, it was he who was forced to get a new name.

A judge disagreed and has told Rigatuso not only can Santi White keep using the name Santogold, but Rigatuso must change his name to Santo Gild.

Gild, as defined by the dictionary, means "To cover with or as if with a thin layer of gold" or "To give an often deceptively attractive or improved appearance to."

Judge M. Jackson Ellington of Baltimore's 79th District Court ruled that such a name is "fitting" for Rigatuso. "Mr. Rigatuso has served time in prison for fraud charges related to his infamous Santo Gold business, so I felt that a man who has made part of a career selling cheap jewelry should be known professionally by a name that accurately reflects that," Judge Jackson wrote in his ruling.

Rigatuso, through his attorney, voiced his disappointment with the judge, vowed to appeal and even insisted on singing for reporters a stanza of his song "I'm the real Santo Gold."

The Baltimore native, who also said to go by Bob Harris, said that he is busy working on getting his long-awaited cult classic Blood Circus into theaters. Rigatuso has told Ponderings from Pluto that his performance in Blood Circus would easily beat out the late Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight for Best Supporting Actor honors.

As per the judge's instructions, from now on at PFP Rigatuso will be known as Santo Gild.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Santo Gold to sell his jewelry to finance long-awaited movie 'Blood Circus'


Santo "Santo Gold" Rigatuso, back in his glory days.

By C.F. Twob
Publisher, Ponderings from Pluto

A quasi-jewelry salesman and convicted con artist infamous for an eighties infomercial has announced the partial liquidation of his stock in an attempt to generate cash for his long-awaited cinematic venture.

Santo Rigatuso, also known as Santo Gold, will be selling approximately 85 percent of the unsold jewelry he has stockpiled in a Baltimore warehouse to a metallurgist as part of a well-publicized "cash for gold" program that's often advertised on television.


Customers' complaints landed Santo Gold in hot water.

During the eighties, Rigatuso ran a series of infomercials simultaneously promoting his Santo Gold jewelry line while also promoting his science fiction film Blood Circus.


Rumor has it only three people showed up at the premiere of Blood Circus: two movie critics and a film extra.

While singing and performing on the infomercials, Rigatuso's Santo Gold character wore a white suit, several gold chains and rings and dark aviator sunglasses.
The film, made in the Baltimore area in the eighties, has never been released due to an inability to find a distributor and due to the original print disappearing. Rigatuso now claims that the original print is alive and well and locked safely away in a safe deposit box.
"With the cash I will earn from the gold jewelry I have in stock, I should have enough money to do a final edit on the movie and get it into theaters," Rigatuso said in a statement. "This, for me, is a dream that will finally come true."
Rigatuso declined to answer questions regarding his short stint in federal prison on fraud charges, or the reports by one editor that Blood Circus is "...about as watchable as a porn film starring John Madden and [former U.S. Attorney General] Janet Reno."
Jin Xihuan, the metallurgist to whom Rigatuso is selling his gold, estimates that because of the low quality of the jewelry, the stockpile will probably net Rigatuso only about $2,000. If it were genuine, 24-carat gold, it would probably go for close to $500,000.
Besides Blood Circus, Rigatuso is also promoting himself as a music producer (he has recently released a song called "I'm the Real Santo Gold") and has sent a cease-and-desist to musician Santogold for what he calls an unauthorized use of his name.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Barack Obama to alter name to appeal to Irish voters

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

In an effort appeal to Irish voters--a perceived large voting block in America--Democratic presidential candidate-to-be Barack Obama has announced that he will be running some campaign ads with an altered spelling on his name.

Barack Obama will become Barack O'Bama.

"I'm being forced to do this since my opponent, John McCain, has an Irish surname," O'Bama told Ponderings from Pluto. "I feel this gives him an unfair advantage over me. It's imperative I get as many Irish votes as possible, especially in areas that aren't traditionally democrat."

O'Bama, who wore a kelly green necktie to go with his black suit, dismissed reports that he will be running in Alabama as Barack O. Bama, to capitalize on the University of Alabama's popular "Bama" nickname.

McCain's spokesman, Seamus O'Callahan, wearing a kelly green suit and a black necktie, accused O'Bama of "pandering" for votes. He told PFP: "What the senator is doing is absolutely ridiculous. When it comes to a set of beliefs, I think Obama still hasn't found what he's looking for. Our goal is that when the voters consider the issue, they'll see that nothing compares to Senator McCain."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic to release a new single; song ‘Busy Being Fabio’ parody of The Eagles’ ‘Busy Being Fabulous’




By C.F. Twob
Ponderings from Pluto staff writer

Musical parody artist “Weird Al” Yankovic has announced that he will soon be making available for download a new song.

His new song, “Busy Being Fabio”, is a parody of The Eagles’ recent hit “Busy Being Fabulous”.

Yankovic, notorious for taking popular songs and turning them into funny ballads about food, romances that end in bloodshed and television, said that though his next album’s not going to be out until 2009 at the earliest, he wanted to release this new song as a single for fear that it and its contents would quickly become dated.

“As I heard the news reports of Fabio almost kicking George Clooney’s butt at that restaurant, the song just came to me,” Yankovic said in an exclusive interview with Ponderings from Pluto. “Some songs take work while some practically write themselves.”

Yankovic also revealed that he had tried twice in the past to do parodies of songs by The Eagles. He had intended to turn the 1972 hit “Take It Easy” into “Cut the Cheesy” and the iconic 1976 hit “Hotel California” into “Satan Eats Cheese Whiz at the Hotel California”. Both times he was turned down.

In a statement, The Eagles explained why they finally gave their blessing to Yankovic: “We’re older and more mellow now, so we figured, why not? Besides, we’re all big fans of Fabio and eat as much I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! as we can.”

Yankovic explained that the song is about Fabio’s wife or girlfriend and her frustrations with Fabio constantly being gone to work as a model, pose for trashy romance novel covers, promote butter or beat up snobby actors.

The parody artist, whose most recent album the 2006 Straight Outta Lynwood has been certified gold, has agreed to allow the lyrics to be posted here on PFP.

Busy Being Fabio

Parody of Busy Being Fabulous
By The Eagles

So tired of living in an empty house
Because you’re busy with your career
“Don't wait up for me tonight”
Is all I ever seem to hear

Always so busy as a professional model
Posing for covers of romance books
All you ever seem to really care about
Are your long hair, thick Italian accent and good looks

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

You’re never at home anymore
I learned of your amusement park accident from a Globe reporter
I swear the only time I ever see you is on TV
Your commercials always make me shudder
As you say you can’t believe it’s not butter

How I wish we could have some time to spend with you
To have a cappuccino and share a sunrise
But instead of getting to kiss you
I have to compete with all your adoring female fans

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

I used to think the macho act was just so phony
A silly scam to make lots of money
But then I heard about your encounter with George Clooney
He was being rude to one of your young female friends,
I think her name was Oliva
You roughed him up and said you thought he was a nice guy,
And to stop being a diva.

’Cause you’re just too busy being Fabio
Too busy to think about us
Striking a pose, eating butter, roughing up George
Somehow you forgot about love
And you’re just too busy being Fabio, uh-huh

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Brian Nichols is innocent: his ‘murders’ are protected by the First Amendment

By C.F. Twob
Columnist, Ponderings from Pluto

Yes, we know that on March 11, 2005 at Atlanta's Fulton County Courthouse, Brian Nichols overpowered a 51 year-old police officer and took her weapon. We also know that he fatally shot Judge Rowland W. Barnes and court reporter Julie Brandau along with police Sergeant Hoyt Teasley. He is also suspected of murdering U.S. Customs Agent David Wilhelm.

But, come on, just because he fatally shot the four doesn’t make him guilty of murder. As crazy as it seems, Nichols is innocent of these four murders, even though all the evidence points to him having committed them.

How?

Murder is the taking of human life. Nichols wasn’t trying to kill these people. He was merely trying to express himself.

Think about it. Nichols, a 36 year-old who had initially been facing rape and false imprisonment charges, was merely taking the weapon and going on a shooting rampage to express the frustration he obviously felt from going from a six-figure computer engineering job to a life that would likely be spent mostly behind bars. It’s despairing, isn’t it? It’s really not much different from an artist who, in a fit of anger, hurls paint at a canvas to express anger over running out of Prussian Blue paint or the loss of a wealthy benefactor. Or think about the rock star who trashes a room to express outrage over running out of groupies to, um, well, you know.

Simply put, Nichols’ rampage is constitutionally-protected free speech, as permitted by the First Amendment. We use government money to fund art consisting of crucifixes in urine or pictures of the Virgin Mary made from elephant poop, and we allow pornography to be protected by the First Amendment—why not the this extreme expression of frustration by a disillusioned young man?

With each kill, Nichols was trying to express himself regarding the injustices in society. Consider each of them:

The death of Judge Barnes: Oh, this is a can of worms, isn't it? Just think of all the terrible judges we've read about or seen: Judge Roy Bean (an Old West judge who once fined a dead man for carrying a concealed weapon), Judge Lance Ito, the judges from that infamous 9th Circuit Court, Judge Judy and the other celebrity judges like Joseph Wapner and, of course, Judge Reinhold. What better way to protest an unjust illegal system than to spill a judge's blood?

The death of court reporter Brandau: The legal system's compilation of messes would be minimal if not for the court reporters who do such a terrible job keeping transcripts. If only they would fudge on the stenography once in a while, perhaps criminals could get fairer trials. By "fair", I mean, of course, a trial where they are acquitted.

The death of Sergeant Teasley: We know that all cops are pigs, so Nichols shot him to express frustration over how crooked cops get away with just about anything (otherwise known as “You've got a broken taillight” syndrome). You've heard of people who bleed "like a stuck pig", well, there you have it. Teasley, as a cop, was a pig, and Nichols wanted to make him bleed to symbolically show how much bloodshed crooked cops (a redundant term of there ever was one) have caused.

The death of U.S. Customs Agent Wilhelm: Since Wilhelm was a federal agent, Nichols felt a need to demonstrate his frustration at the federal government. Namely, to protest the Patriot Act and all the injustice and bureaucracy it has brought. Some call for an abolishment of federal government and for each state to govern themselves autonomously, and this was what Nichols accomplished. One federal agent down, only a few hundred million to go. And if you think Nichols’ war on the feds is a new thing, think again. About 140 years ago, we fought a war over it called the Civil War.

There you have it. Brian Nichols is innocent. He wasn’t committing murder, but rather just using extreme acts of violence as a First Amendment-protected form of free expression.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Flamboyant designer Bobby Trendy outed—as a heterosexual


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Another celebrity has been outed, but it’s not exactly what you might be thinking.

Flamboyant designer Bobby Trendy, frequently seen on the now-defunct E! Network reality show The Anna Nicole Show, has been officially outed.

As being completely straight.

Trendy, the California-born Vietnamese-American with a penchant for dressing in drag, was caught on Friday kissing his girlfriend in the women’s bathroom at a McCoy’s building supply store in San Antonio, Texas. McCoy’s sells lumber, hammers, nails, axes, but nothing decorative that would appeal to the flamboyant Trendy (whose birth name is Nok Yu Trinh).

“I was quite embarrassed by what I saw,” said Rupert Polson, manager of the McCoy’s store in question. “Mr. Trendy had his hands all over the girl, and for a man who’s supposedly gay, he seemed very much to be enjoying himself.”

The girlfriend’s name has not been disclosed, but her first name is thought to be Amanda.

Veronica Judson, Trendy’s spokesperson, confirmed to Ponderings from Pluto that Trendy indeed is 100% heterosexual. “The whole gay flamboyance is just an act, one that sells an image that profits him hundreds of thousands of dollars annually,” Judson told PFP. “Bobby has grown very tired of having to hide his heterosexuality. He loves women and is sick of being in the closet.”

Judson added that Trendy likes to keep a low profile by hanging out at McCoy’s stores--ostensibly the last place in the world anyone would look to find a stereotypically-gay man.

So far, Howard K. Stern, the attorney and confidant of the late Anna Nicole Smith, has declined comment.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Filmmaker Martin Scorsese to direct controversial movie about Islamic prophet Muhammad


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Famed film director Martin Scorsese, who, at the 2007 Academy Awards finally won his first Oscar for the movie The Departed, announced plans to produce and direct a movie on the life of famed Muslim prophet Muhammad.

The movie, tentiatively titled Muhammad’s Mirage, is set to be released in 2010. The movie is based on the controversial Shaul al-Israeli novel of the same name, in which al-Israeli writes that Muhammad was an immoral pedophile who doubted his faith in Allah late in his own life. The book also states that Muhammad was the first documented “suicide bomber” in Islamic history, having tied himself to a large rock, which was then catapaulted into a crowd of Orthodox Jewish rabbis.

No doubt, the film will be controversial, but it’s hardly anything new for Scorsese. The director made headlines in the eighties when he directed the controversial 1988 film The Last Temptation of Christ, a movie where Jesus sinned and died for his own sins.

Due to the death threats he’ll undoubtedly receive, Scorsese says he might take the infamous Alan Smithee director’s credit for Muhammad’s Mirage. “I encourage Muslims to watch the movie with an open mind and then decide for themselves what they really believe,” Scorsese said from an undisclosed location.

Dr. James Dobson endorses himself for president

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Dr. James Dobson, who’s running for president of the United States on the Conservative Party ticket, has picked up an influential endorsement.

Himself.

Dr. Dobson, former president of Focus on the Family, suggested in a recent interview with Ponderings from Pluto that by endorsing himself he might be able to get many evangelical Christian votes. Including from those who are regular listeners to Focus on the Family’s daily and weekend broadcasts.

“Again, I’m running as a private citizen, and not as someone affiliated with a non-profit organization,” the doctor emphasized.

Dobson is supposed to announce by June who his running mate will be. Names mentioned include Mike Huckabee, Chuck Swindoll and Joel Osteen. Dobson said in an earlier interview that he’s running because he feels that Republican nominee-to-be John McCain offers no acceptable alternative to Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dr. James Dobson announces candidacy for president


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Dr. James Dobson, former president of Focus on the Family, announced today that he is running for president.

Dr. Dobson, who emphasized that his campaign is as an individual and is not affiliated with the non-profit Focus on the Family, plans to run on the newly-formed Conservative Party ticket. Dobson has not announced who his running mate will be, but rumors abound: Mike Huckabee, Chuck Swindoll and Joel Osteen.

“I am running because I am not a Democrat, and I feel that the Republican party for too long has taken conservative Christians for granted,” Dr. Dobson said to Ponderings from Pluto in an exclusive interview. “Both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would take the country in the wrong direction, and I think John McCain is simply too liberal.”

Is Dr. Dobson afraid that his campaign could siphon Christians away from the GOP vote and allow the liberal Clinton or Obama into office?

“I view that as collateral damage that’s designed to make this country wake up and return to its conservative roots,” Dr. Dobson said. “Sometimes we have take five steps backward to go a step forward, and perhaps it’s best for this nation that we leave it in the hands—for four years—of a godless, amoral, liberal president.”

The doctor emphasized again that his campaign was in no way affiliated with Focus on the Family.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Michael Moore renounces U.S. citizenship, will move to Cuba


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Controversial documentary maker Michael Moore will soon become a Cuban citizen.

Moore announced his plans announced his plans Sunday night at an Academy Awards after-party, stating that he has lost faith in America and wishes to relocate to a country that truly shares his ideals on socialism.

In an exclusive interview with Ponderings from Pluto, Moore told C.F. Twob that, effective April 2, he will no longer be an American citizen but will instead become a Cuban citizen. He also will legally change his name from Michael Francis Moore to Miguel Francisco Moreno De La Ciudad De Banderas.

The phrase at the end of his Spanish-ified name translates as “Of the city of flags”, a reference to Davison, Michigan, where Moore actually grew up. The documentarian was born 10 miles east in Flint in 1954.

“I thought I could work towards a positive change in America, but I was mistaken,” Moore explained. “Therefore, I have grown tired living in a repressive country that is slowly moving toward a two-party dictatorship. My time in Cuba filming portions of Sicko have really convinced me that Cuba is the ideal paradise to live and make films in.”

Moore’s latest documentary on U.S. healthcare, Sicko, failed to win the Academy Award. Moore previously won an Oscar for his documentary Bowling for Columbine, during which he gave a speech criticizing President George W. Bush, amid a noticeable spatter of boos.

Raul Castro, the brother of longtime Cuban president Fidel Castro, could not be reached by PFP for comment. However, the new Cuban president is said to be delighted about Moore’s decision and has reportedly promised to name Moore the director of the Ministry of Entertainment.

It is unclear whether Moore’s wife, Kathleen, and their child will be joining him in Cuba. Moore has been recently living in Bellaire, Mich. (about 40 miles northeast of Traverse City, Mich).

Monday, February 18, 2008

Cities, states file class-action lawsuit against musical bands

By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

The old question “What’s in a name?” is certain to be re-examined with the filing of an unusual lawsuit.

The class-action lawsuit, filed on behalf of the cities of Boston, Denver, Miami and Bay City, Mich. along with the states of Kansas, Alabama and Georgia seeks an estimated $12.5 billion in damages from the rock groups Boston, Bay City Rollers and Kansas, Latino group Miami Sound Machine and the country music bands Alabama and the Georgia Satellites. It also seeks damages from the estate of folk singer John Denver, who died in 1997.

Boston mayor Thomas M. Menino told Ponderings from Pluto that the lawsuit came about as a result of the recent actions of the rock group Boston’s guitarist and songwriter Tom Scholz. Scholz had publicly requested that Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee no longer use any of Boston’s songs in his campaign. The musician stated that the band has never endorsed a candidate, but that he supports Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama.

“Scholz and his band mates never asked the city of Boston for permission before choosing to name their band after it,” Menino explained. “I find Scholz’s criticism of Huckabee extremely hypocritical. Therefore, we would like them to either stop performing or to give us a percentage of their royalties.”

Boston has released six albums that have sold a combined 30 million copies.

The class-action lawsuit, filed on behalf of the cities of Boston, Denver, Miami and Bay City, Mich. along with the states of Kansas, Alabama and Georgia seeks an estimated $12.5 billion in damages from the rock groups Boston, Bay City Rollers and Kansas, Latino group Miami Sound Machine and the country music band Alabama. It also seeks damages from the estate of folk singer John Denver, who died in 1997.

Likewise, the complaints go as follows:

The city of Denver versus John Denver (whose birth name was Henry John Deutschendorf)
The city of Miami versus the Gloria Estefan-fronted Latino band Miami Sound Machine
The city of Bay City, Michigan versus the Scottish rock band Bay City Rollers
The state of Alabama versus the country music band Alabama
The state of Georgia versus the country music band Georgia Satellites

Michigan-based attorney Sam Bernstein, who’s heading a team of a dozen attorneys representing the four cities and two states, says that the plaintiffs simply want to be properly compensated for the names of their cities and states being used without authorization.

“Musicians gripe all the time about illegal downloading and politicians using their songs on the campaign trail, but they forget that they rip off cities and states by using those names as their group name without permission. This is a hypocrisy we intend to hold accountable,” Bernstein said in a statement. “Simply put, this is about giving the cities and states their fare share of their namesakes’ musical success.”

Scholz had no comment. Estefan, meanwhile, issued a statement through her attorney that her band’s success has resulted in far more financial returns and reinvestments into the city of Miami that she finds it disappointing she’d be subject to a lawsuit. Her statement also stated: “If Tom Scholz had just kept his mouth shut, I could be spending my time making music instead of having to deal with legal issues.”

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Burger King announces the launch of new seafood-style restaurant ‘Sushi King’


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Officials of the world’s second-largest hamburger fast food chain have announced plans to branch out to a new fast food chain that focuses on seafood.

Brian Thomas Swette, chairman of the Miami-based Burger King, told Ponderings from Pluto that starting in Summer 2009 they will be launching 50 franchises of Sushi King across America. If the seafood restaurant is successful, they will expand it globally.

Plans currently are to locate Sushi King in waterfront or near-waterfront cities like Miami, Houston, New York, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle. The new restaurant, like its name suggests, will specialize in sushi, or raw fish.

“We are convinced that seafood will grow in popularity, and our market researchers tell us that it is workable to prepare and sell sushi in a fast-food environment,” Swette said. “Americans are on the go in this global society, and we want them to realize that the delicacy isn’t just confined to five-star restaurants. It literally will be available from the drive-through.”

Swette said that with the restaurants located on or near the ocean, it’ll mean being able to acquire sushi products faster and fresher.

Sushi King is still testing out slogans, Swette said, declining to say which ones are being considered. He did say, though, that their logo would be similar to Burger King’s except for additional aquatic graphics designed to give it its own identity.

The chairman also denied reports that celebrity chef Masaharu Morimoto, who specializes in Neo-Japanese cuisine and has his own restaurants in New York and Philadelphia, has been privately serving as a consultant for the company regarding this venture.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

LifeLock CEO divulges even more personal information to prove company’s security against ID theft





By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

LifeLock CEO Todd Davis has taken his company’s identity theft protection services even further.

Davis, famous for the TV, print, radio and internet ads that proudly proclaim that his social security number is 457-55-5462, now is so confident in his business’s ability to protect its customers from ID theft that he’s divulging even more information.

In an exclusive to Ponderings from Pluto, Davis is now revealing the following:

His bank account numbers: Primary National Bank of America #6478-998-77, #7940-796-59, #6545-465-75 and #1038-948-70

His mother’s maiden name: Snodgrass

His blood type: U-Negative

His home phone number: 512-554-0000

His birthday: February 6, 1970

Davis also offered to disclose his DNA code, but that would’ve crashed PFP’s web server due to the billions of lines of content.

“I am so confident in LifeLock’s ability to protect from identity theft that I freely share this personal information about myself,” Davis said. “We back our claims with a $1 million guarantee.”

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Hillary Clinton to consider Bill Clinton as possible running mate


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

In a move that has surprised some, New York Senator Hillary Clinton is reportedly considering her husband, former president Bill Clinton, as a possible running mate.

Mrs. Clinton, who is seeking the Democratic nomination for the 2008 presidential race, feels that her husband would be the best choice for vice president.

“Mrs. Clinton feels [former North Carolina Senator] John Edwards is too wishy-washy and too girlie, and [Democratic opponent] Barack Obama has made comments about her and her husband recently that she feels are nothing short of unforgivable,” said a source within her campaign.

The source, who’s speaking exclusively to Ponderings from Pluto on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton’s staff is working feverishly, poring over the U.S. Constitution to study the legality of this scenario.

Bill Clinton is barred from running for president again because he served two consecutive terms. However, what is not clear is whether or not he is barred from running for vice president.

“Mrs. Clinton feels her husband would be an excellent addition to her campaign, and since she played a very active role in his presidency, she feels he could do the same for her in her presidency,” the source explained.

Having the former president as Vice President, the source added, would also be environmentally-friendly for America. Since both would occupy the White House, that would eliminate the need for gas, water, electric and other utilities to be run at the Vice Presidential residence.

“As a result, Hillary Clinton’s presidency would leave a much smaller carbon footprint than that of other candidates,” the source explained.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

N.Y. Giants sign Peyton Manning to one-game contract; Indy Colts ‘loan’ quarterback



By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts may have been knocked out of the playoffs two weeks ago by the San Diego Chargers, but Manning still has a chance at another Super Bowl ring this season.

That’s because the New York Giants have signed Manning to a one-game contract. Peyton, the older brother of Giants starter Eli Manning and the son of former New Orleans Saints quarterback Archie Manning, will serve as back-up for his brother in Super Bowl XLII, which will take place February 3 in Arizona against the heavily-favored New England Patriots.

“It’s really a win-win situation,” said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. “I was concerned that, in the game Eli would be constantly getting calls from his father and brother regarding how to play. Now, with Peyton on the sidelines, this will lessen things.

Coughlin declined to say how much money the Giants had to pay the Colts to “rent” Peyton, who is scheduled to officially rejoin the Colts after the conclusion of the Super Bowl.

Peyton will wear jersey number 16 (the same he wore at the University of Tennessee) since number 18 is already worn by punter Jeff Feagles.

Serving as third string for the Giants will be third-year quarterback Jared Lorenzen. To accommodate Peyton, the normal third-stringer, Anthony Wright, has been placed on injured reserve with an ingrown shoelace.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Barack Obama announces name change


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, one of the frontrunners for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, has announced that, effective February 1, he will be legally changing his name.

The Honolulu-born Obama, whose full name is Barack Hussein Obama al-Honoluluani, will soon be known as Barry Hawkins.

“I have decided that as I run for the highest office in America, it is imperative for me to have a name that sounds more American and less Muslim,” Obama said in a brief statement.

Obama, whose father was Kenyan and who is reported to have practiced Islam in his younger days, is not the first candidate to make a name change. The other Democratic frontrunner, New York Senator Hillary Clinton, has at times gone by Hillary Rodham Clinton. New Mexico governor and former Democratic contender Bill Richardson, whose mother is Hispanic and who grew up in Mexico City, reportedly experimented with being known as Guillermo Richardson López-Collada Márquez.

Obama brushed off accusations that his name change is a gimmick.

“It’s about convenience,” he explained. “Eugene Orowitz became Michael Landon. Joe Yule, Jr. became Mickey Rooney. Lucille LeSueur became Joan Crawford. Lawrence Harvey Zeiger became Larry King. Cheryl Sarkisian LaPiere became Cher. I mean, what is the big deal?”

Barry Hawkins just has a nice ring to it, Obama said.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Martin Sheen, fictional president, announces candidacy for 2008 race


By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

Fed up with what he describes as a “lousy list of candidates”, actor Martin Sheen is hoping to do in real life what he has done on a fictitious television drama.

Become a successful president.

Sheen, who played President Josiah Bartlet on the NBC drama The West Wing, and President John F. Kennedy in the miniseries Kennedy—The Presidential Years, announced today in an exclusive interview with Ponderings from Pluto that he will run for president in the 2008 election. He is hoping to obtain the Green Party nomination.

The longtime Democrat and political activist said that all the Republican candidates terrify him, and that none of the Democratic frontrunners impress him.

“[President Bush] has done a terrible job of running this country and has alienated the entire world and even a few planets, and there’s no way I’d vote for anyone on the GOP,” said the 67 year-old Sheen, who was born Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez in Dayton, Ohio. “John Edwards is all talk, Barack Obama is far too inexperienced, and Hillary just strikes me and the same old, same old.”

Sheen added: “I played the president for several years on The West Wing, and I honestly don’t think it could be any more difficult.”

If he wins the Green Party nomination, Sheen says he will consider Ralph Nader or Warren Beatty as a running mate.

“America, under even the Democratic control of the House and Senate, is going to hell in a hand basket quickly, and it’s time to do something about it,” Sheen said.

Yankees to put names on the back of their jerseys





By C.F. Twob
PFP staff writer

In a shocking break from tradition, the New York Yankees have announced that for their 2008 season they will feature a significant change in their uniforms.

Gone are the days with the jerseys consisting simply of a monogrammed NY logo and number on the back or the word mark NEW YORK with the number on back. Now, all Yankee uniforms will feature the players’ names on the back.

“We just felt it was time for a change,” said Yankees owner George Steinbrenner in a statement. “To me, basic has just become boring. I know some who are firm believers in Yankee Pride and Yankee Tradition are unhappy, but they’ll just have to get over it.”

The owner added that he made his decision late in the season. He became angry at one Yankee ballplayer who had just struck out. The problem was, Steinbrenner couldn’t tell who the player was. Without his roster sheet with him, he was unable to identify the player simply by the number on his back. The Boss sought the assistance of a popcorn vendor, who confirmed for him that #13 was Alex Rodriguez.

Speaking of A-Rod, what does he think of the new uniform?

“It gets old when some kid calls out to me, “Hey, Number 13! Can I get your autograph?” Rodriguez told Ponderings from Pluto. That never happened in Seattle or Texas, where we wore names on the back of all our jerseys.”

The third baseman, who re-signed with the Yankees following a tumultuous off-season in which he opted out of his contract but was unable to find any teams interested in his high-salary demands, denied reports that he already has his surname tattooed across his upper back.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

KISS rockEr GEnE Simmons announcEs intEntions to tradEmark thE lEttEr ‘E’




KISS bassist Gene Simmons, the astute businessman who has helped to turn the legendary rock band into a merchandising juggernaut, has announced his latest business venture.

The Israeli-born Simmons, whose birth name is Chaim Witz, issued a press release stating he has successfully trademarked the letter “E”.

“From now on, whenever books, newspapers or Internet Websites use the letter E, they must now pay me a royalty fee of one cent per time,” Simmons said in the statement.

The rocker did say that he would grant an exemption for those who use the letter E in casual conversation, but politicians who use the fifth letter in the alphabet in political speeches must pay five cents per word.

Simmons, who was recently fired from Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, added: “I’ve merchandised everything imaginable with KISS, from crayons to coffins. I’ve gotten bored and needed a new way to make more money. So I thought, why not trademark the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet? This idea could indeed make me the world’s very first trillionaire.” (Simmons is estimated to be worth several hundreds of millions of dollars).

The rocker, who speaks fluent Hebrew, said he is even considering trademarking the Hebrew letter Aleph (א), which is the first letter of its alphabet.

What do Simmons’ family and friends think of his most recent venture? His longtime girlfriend, Shannon Tweed, had this to say: “If Gene weren’t so consumed with making money, maybe he’d finally get around to marrying me!”

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Eddie Murphy gets married after all--sort of


Actor/comedian Eddie Murphy, fresh off his second failed "marriage", announced today that he has indeed gotten married--to himself.

In a small, private civil ceremony in Los Angeles, the Beverly Hills Cop star wedded himself. Attending the ceremony were the judge and two witnesses randomly picked off the street and offered $1,000 to serve in that capacity. Murphy had invited several friends and family members, but when they heard he was marrying himself, they thought the comedian was just joking.

"I didn't hear that trademark laugh, but I still thought Eddie was being, well, Eddie," said one friend who declined to be identified. (It was David Chappelle).

The civil ceremony took just over a minute, with the actor asking the judge to "dispense with the pleasantries." Asked why he married himself, Murphy said this to Ponderings from Pluto reporter/commentator C.F. Twob: "I understand me and I have always loved me. When I looked in the mirror a few days ago, I finally realized just how much I loved me. I think this is a relationship that can work."

Murphy has been married once and has six children. He recently married again in the South Pacific to Tracey Edmonds (seen above with Murphy during happier times), but it was not a legal ceremony and Murphy later chose not to have an official wedding. Rumors abounded that Edmonds refused to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, while others speculate that Edmonds told Murphy he deserved multiple Razzie nominations for his film Norbit.

Will Murphy make himself sign a pre-nup? "Now, why would I do something crazy like that?" Murphy replied.

Budweiser buys up all the commercials for the Super Bowl

Super Bowl XLII (42 for those of you who hate the Roman empire and think Caligula was one of the worst movies ever made) will take place February 3 out near Phoenix, Ariz., between the Large People of The City Formerly Known as New Amsterdam and the Devout Soldiers of That Territory Formerly Known as the British Colonies. Anheuser Busch, which owns Budweiser, Bud Light, Bud Stupid, Bud Selig and Rosebud, has announced that it has purchased all the commercial time for the big show.

"I won't rest until every American--newborn to senior citizen--has a bottle of Bud in their hand," announced Anheuser Busch VII in a statement. "It is our goal and dream for each household to have at least one member who is in advanced stages of cirrhosis of the liver."

Ponderings from Pluto

My name's C.F. Twob, and welcome to this blog Ponderings from Pluto!

Yeah, yeah, I know the International Astronomical Union voted in 2006 to demote Pluto to minor planet status. Whatever. To me, it is and will always be a planet. Pluto takes about 248 years to travel around that fiery angry ball called the sun, except that from Pluto's surface the sun is a small bright point of light in the sky--when it's not being blocked by Charon, one of three Plutonian moons (Nix and Hydra being the others). A day on Pluto is about six earth-days in length. In other words, if a new day started on Pluto on a Sunday, it would take until Saturday for the next day to begin. If my calcuations are right, a year on Pluto consists of 15,086 "days". That would be a calendar to see, wouldn't it?

That being said, Ponderings from Pluto is a satirical look at our world where everything is subject to being viewed from an outrageous, comical perspective. The idea is that this form of satire seems so absurd it could've only been conceived from a pondering on tiny distant Pluto. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.